I'm perpetually indecisive.

 

I've been struggling with disordered eating for years, and I was once 90 pounds. Pretty thin, even for someone as short as I am. Ballet, no eating,and tons of extra working out really takes a toll on a girl.

 Nowadays, I'm more likely to not eat for 2-3 days, and then pig out for a week after. I go between wanting to be healthy, to wanting to be as thin as possible. I gain more weight; I hate myself more; the pattern gets worse.

 This has nothing to do with Paganism. But I need to get it out. I need help but I fear getting it because of past experiences. And I doubt it would actually help anyone.

 

In 7th grade I was cutting pretty badly. I hated myself... maybe more than I do now. So I reached out to a teacher, knowing I'd be forced into getting help.

What happened instead, though, was my mom threatening to send me to boot camp, her husband saying I just needed to get my ass kicked to be straightened out, and me being sent to a therapist who made my mom sit in there with me and the only thing they spoke about was her job.

 

I still cut myself. I still starve-then-binge.

What's the point? 

This is the rainy season in Michigan, and I adore it. Right now, I heard of what sounded like a water balloon breaking over us, a huge splash of water, and it started coming down.

 

Yes. I love the rain. 

My hair stays straight, even though I haven't brushed it in weeks. When I smile really big, my eyes close naturally. I do weird poses that somehow are just cute to everyone I meet.

 I am plagued with being the typical anime girl. :O I don't even WATCH anime aside from My Neighbor Totoro anymore. Years of pretending to be Sailor Moon has me here looking like that which I draw.

 

Speaking of which, if anyone is interested in my art, ever... the site can be found here. So hop on over and let me know what you think. :D

 

This blog was pointless! <3 

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Nope! :3 

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Yesterday, when I found out I didn't have the money to pay for my classes so I have to wait until the winter term.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
It's very artsy, but it's okay for what it is.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I rather avoid meat as much as I can.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I wish! Maybe in 7-8 years. :)

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Right now, probably not. But as I become a better person, I definitely become more likable to myself.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
(Sarcasm) Of course not! (/sarcasm)

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS                                                                             

Yepp!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Despite my fear of heights? Yes.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Hmmm. Anything chocolate.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I used to be stronger from ballet. D:

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I hate ice cream.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their outward personality.

15. RED OR PINK?
Pink.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?
My bad choices and the bad karma that they have brought.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
The first girl that broke shattered my heart.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO You?

Sure! :D

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? 
White skirt, purple crocs!

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Some hot chips. ;_;

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
TSGO's A Darker Shade of Pagan.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
I'd be the kind from the 90s that smelled like marshmallow. :DDD

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? 
Gardenia mixed with anything a bit earthier.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My fiance.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
I stole it from another blog. ;_; It was a random person toooo.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Ballet. >_>

27. HAIR COLOR?
Black.

28. EYE COLOR?
Green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS
No

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

Anything spicy or sour.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? 
Scary!

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
My Neighbor Totoro

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Pink!

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Ick, fall.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kisses.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Chocolate covered cherries.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
No clue! :D

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
Again, I have no clue.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Ninja Chick and The Satanic Bible

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don't have one, I have a laptop. :D

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?

Colbert Report!

42. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
Rain, thunder, purring, and heartbeats.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Hello. Beatles.

44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Uh. A 4 hour drive.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Drawing, singing, and massaging. :3

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Michigaaan.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACk?

EVERYONE'S! :DDD

I am a generally fear-ridden girl. I fear whales. I fear going out and getting a job. I fear gaining weight. I usually just dwell within these fears, because they are what I'm used to.

 However, I recently started to get over them. It started with my fear of whales, ha ha! I saw this horrifying painting of a whale monster getting ready to swallow up a boat that was as big as my finger nail is in comparison to my whole body. That whale monster was huge, and it is the size of whales that get me.

 So what did I do with this illustration? I set it up as my wallpaper on my computer! I stared at it every day while waiting for my comp to stop loading, and I have become less sensitive to it, which is a huge step for me.

 Next was my fear of getting a job, which was conquered this summer by becoming a counselor at Interlochen Arts Camp. Yep. 7 weeks in a job that was inescapable... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! It was a great experience and really toughened me up. I admit, I'm still scared to death to try and get a job... but I just put in an application today! Yay!

 My fear of gaining weight will take longer, but I am working my very hardest to get everything sorted out so I can get to work on it.

 In general, I am now the kind of person that will work on overcoming fears. I get a great sense of achievement, because it's a huge step from refusing to work on anything.

 

Go me! :D